8 months in Sydney, 1 year of being Solo

Last year, I decided to start a series of solo wanderlust, to go on expedition towards self-discovery. I went to Northern Luzon, Visayas, and Mindanao, then Bangkok, then Seoul, then Jeju, and then my longest stop, I am on my 8^th month in Sydney, and hit a year of being solo, away from comfort of family, home, and friends.

A lot of times I still asks myself if I made a right choice for leaving home, my comfort zone, the food, and everyone I love in exchange of a foreign city, no security, no one else but myself and 90 plus kilo of baggage.

If you wonder how a 24 year old, orphan, is able to live up with all the living costs of studying in Sydney, I have few lessons to live by:

1.     There is No substitute other than experience.

In my country I never had the difficulty to land a job, I always get the calls or offer for new jobs. When I get to Sydney, I applied for over 700 jobs, No kidding, to have a part time job that pays right, legally, while I study for a degree. I remember I cried hard when I got a letter of offer from my current job, because I can finally stop sending CV’s to whole Sydney.

How broad is “Experience” when we define it? I would say zero. I never waited tables before nor cleaned someone else’s bathroom. But one day I did. I remember I cried that day, the first time I sulked up my pride and did odd jobs. After crying I bought myself coffee and a slice of my favourite cake, it tasted like sweet victory, because it was a milestone. I’m proud that I tried.

And I learned in that particular moment that I have something capable of doing- standing on my own. I can just pack up and lobby on the streets and shelter at Central station at night, skimp my solid 90 kg belongings, beg for change, and stop worrying about rent. There was one time I was so fed up with myself and started walking aimlessly, among the common sightings in Sydney are insane people, and the homeless. Sometimes they are genuinely in need, which society tells us it is our moral duty to help them, and then there are some like this young, Caucasian man outside Wynyard station, who seems fit, and capable of working, but decided he won’t.  He was on his knees begging the world for loose change.

That very moment I irked to myself “See that my friend? That is who you will never be”. I will never give up on myself, or my dreams and just depend on loose change. Because the whole World is around you, we are supposed to catch up, It was the laziest of laziest I ever laid my eyes on.

It taught me the value of money, working for each penny, spending, and what’s not worth damaging your humane pride; low life stealing, dishonesty, and slacking off.

2.     Humility is the key to learning.

People will never be bothered wherever Culinary school you graduated from, or who’s ass you kissed before. You are the new kid, you adapt to the rules, you say “Yes, Chef!” because the cold truth is there was never a “No, Chef!”.

And even though you have your own skills, and talent, you are the kid, the commis, you are nobody but a machine. Then you learn Humility is a phase when you learn the most because that’s when they, your chefs, will teach you the most.

3.Winter doesn’t always mean snowman, snowballs, and snow skiing. This is self-explanatory when you live in New South Wales. No snow during winter, just the fatal, winter breeze, as cold as your ex.

4.     It is normal to worry.

I am a worrier. I worry about my money. I worry about my homework. I worry about someone else’s laundry. I even worry about alone elders crossing the streets.

Have you ever tried not worrying even just for 30 mins? It’s such a great mental exercise I recommend to everyone. Just stop giving cares. I do it at times when the anxiety is hitting me hard.  I recall one of my favourite life lessons through the literary works of Elizabeth Gilbert is “Be Kind To Yourself”. So if you do, try to lessen your unnecessary worrying. Worrying is a thief of peace, sleep, time, who-knows-maybe cupcake, too.

I only worry on selective matters such as lip-gloss, eyebrows, and water intake, not even my laundry pile anymore. There is a time for worry, and there is time for sleep.

5.     Work. Life. Balance

Every university student is entitled to 20-hour work right per week. That means, you spend 2-3 days working, 2 days in school, other days depends on how you manage it. Sweet isn’t?

I was diagnosed of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome after a month in Sydney. They say my invisible illness has no certain medication, while some say it is treatable. I don’t really know. I never prayed for healing. But I pray everyday for courage. Because courage is when you wake up in the morning feeling like a truck just hit you, or when the beast on your chest is wild and hungry, and about to eat you. I pray for the courage to find peace, positivity, and something to look forward everyday.

I couldn’t work straight like a full timer. I will be drowsed with flu for days, or I will be in deep stress.

6.     It’s okay to be a cheapskate.

You rather skimp your meals and buy that lip-gloss. I can relate. Or get that chocolate...coz why not

7.     Invest on your self.

Invest. I’m not good at investing money. I’m a business student and honestly not my forte to dwell on numbers or technical terms. I would define “Invest” as to planting seeds of good and harvesting lessons in the future.

It is not limited to money. When we invest our time to make a long-distance call, we know it is a time and long distance credit well spent.  When we buy luxury bags, we know we invest on Fashion, long term ownership of  classic pieces.

I invested my 24^th year of existence to learning more about myself. I went back to school. I used my parent’s last sum of money for me, packed all my irreplaceable belongings, and spent an 8 hour flight crying coz I’m a cry baby.

It wasn’t easy to be away from everyone. You get chills, homesickness, hunger, and exhaustion from working and studying. Sometimes I wonder, I mean a lot of times, “Am I making my late parents proud?”.  I’m too scared to find out that it's a No, so instead whenever I remember that question; I change it to “What Will You Tell Your 24 Year Old Self”.

If I’m in a time capsule maybe I’d say “Go buy that black jacket at Myers. It will be sold out next week, or sale will end and you will cry whole winter for missing the good leather jacket deal”. Or maybe I’d say, Look forward, and look up, and you’ll know the answer.

8.     The world is a big school

9.     No matter how old you get, one day will come when you long for home.

You start missing the chaos that used to be your pet peeve. You start to crave foods you used to find unappetizing. You miss the smell of your dirty house. You miss the nuisance, the clutter, because you get so used to being alone...that you crave company. Independent people also need to be reminded how are they doing. They also need to slow down, building yourself is a mature responsibility... Then you learn that 'Home' is a feeling. I may be oceans apart, but being away made me realized I have a home at the other end of this foreign land, that will embrace me back if I decided to go back. Being away made me appreciate the home and family I didn't showed much affection and myself to.

10.  You learn more about yourself- isn’t that the point?

You stretch yourself to the limits, you expose yourself to stress, to responsibilities, you bait yourself to failure.

I know time will come that I will savour this age when I had the wonderful gift of a lifetime to learn about myself. To be a commis of life before marrying or having kids. I'm grateful for the wisdom that each pain I feel is teaching me. I'm grateful for the confusion and doubts because it reminds me I'm learning something alien to me. I'm grateful for the courage, it reminds me that no dreams are invalid or too small. You just need to put yourself together and "allez!"

I'm grateful for the good and bad experiences. I learned that rejections are redirections. If you are reading this, you still have no job at the moment. I applied for 700 jobs. I hope that's something to push your hopes.

I also learned that pain is a great teacher. We learn much more when we are in pain. Like 'acceptance', 'submission', and 'hopefulness'. When else do we learn those?

Not certain until when will I keep on my self discovery. Maybe I will keep moving to different cities and countries. But what I'm certain is if we believe with utmost hope, we are limitless.

One day I will read this post again and compare my current rate per hour, skills, number of scars, waistline, bank account to that of the future. There will be lots of changes maybe even with my priorities. I hope to be full of wisdom, become a better chef, better friend, better sister.

My name is Joyce Calayag. 24. Orphan at 12, and youngest of 8 children. I’m a Business management student in Sydney, aspiring Pastry Chef-Cook Book Author. I am learning, and this is to remind myself to keep trying to be better. You will get there, Brave Heart.